6/27/10

You know the girl. Maybe it's your girlfriend, maybe you just picked her up in a bar, maybe you pulled up next to her at a red light. Bottom line is, you are ready to put your Rock Hard to good use. So why is she saying no? Here are a few girl secrets decoded to help you understand the fairer sex and seal the deal.

1. Make us feel beautiful.

If we feel hot, we want to show it off. Compliments go a long way. A lot of times I have been with a guy and under normal circumstances would not hesitate to hop in the sack (or the bathroom stall, backseat etc), except for the fact that I may have forgotten to shave that day or my bikini wax is a few days overdue. We will never tell you this is the reason why we are denying you, instead we will just play coy and pretend there is some other reason. If you get to the touching stage with a chick and run your hands over a little stubble, pay no attention to the imperfections and concentrate on turning her on with compliments to take her mind off the fact that she may not be in porn star shape. Tell her how hot she is and how much she is turning you on. If we think you don’t notice or care about our negligence, then we will quickly forget them too!

2. Never underestimate the power of a little romance.

I’m not talking about opening car doors or pulling out chairs or any of that arcane bullshit. We are independent women, yet underneath our steely demeanors we are still all mushballs who want a man to take charge. I can be the perfect guy's girl, watching sports and chugging beer and sucking on hot wings, and all that is fun sometimes, but don’t forget to remind your lady that you still see her as a gentle female who you want to cherish and protect. Flowers are the quickest way to any girls heart and underwear. Seriously! How hard is it to pick up some cheap daisies at the 7-11 and surprise the girl in your life? We melt for that shit! It shows that you actually think about her when you're not with her, while you’re pumping gas and buying beer. Hold her hand for a minute while you’re walking down the street or sitting in a movie theater. Touch her back and guide her across the street. These are simple acts that show us that you are a man and you are in charge, and that turns us on.

3. Oral, oral, oral.

Guys listen up. If you want a blow job you must return the favor. I cant believe that there are still guys out there who won't go down on a girl. Seriously, suck it up! Literally! If a girl is not even remotely in the mood for sex and you start going down on her slowly and seductively, I guarantee it is a short moment away from her wanting to jump on top of you and show you how good you make her feel. We are just as lazy as you guys sometimes, and believe it or not, but whipping out your dick and waving it in front of our faces is not going to get you anywhere. You gotta give some to get some.

4. Physical contact.

We are humans, we are starved for physical contact that is not sexual (yet probably leads to sex). Refer back to tip #2 and take it up a notch. The most idle, careless brush of flesh on flesh is the quickest way to put dirty thoughts in our heads. Nonchalantly rub your girl’s back or her neck. Touch her hair, rub her arm, hold her hand, put your hand on her leg. The smallest touch on your part that isn’t overtly sexual will get you where you want to go. The best way to do this is to pretend that you are not even aware of what you are doing, let us think that we are the one who thought of sex first. Touching us and not letting us know that you are aware of is a huge turn on. It shows that you cant keep your hands off our sexy skin, even outside of the bedroom. And if you do the brush and glide in public it makes us feel good because you are showing other people that we are with you, so back off!

5. Don’t forget that we are just as nasty as you guys are.

Imagine this - girls share all the dirty details with our friends just like you do. We keep lists of conquests just like you do. We know our number and are definitely proud of it just like you are. We like the game just as much so you better make it interesting! Sure we all enjoy a sure thing every now and then, when we are drunk and lonely and cant do any better, but for the most part, the actions leading up to sex are the most exciting aspect. Talk dirty to us, pull our hair, slap our ass, just make sure you can take what you are dishing out! Whisper in our ear in a crowded room the nasty things you want to do to us and how you cant stand that you cant have it right that moment. it’s all a game, guys, so bring you’re A-game and prove yourselves to be worthy opponents.

 

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Elizabeth Kramsky is a writer and bartender living in Las Vegas who gets to witness first hand all the mistakes men make when trying to pick up women. She enjoys making fun of men who wear Ed Hardy, her dog Dexter, and Tom Robbins novels.

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