For a guy it can be incredibly difficult to understand how heart ache and sob stories can inspire a woman to want to jump into the sack, but hey -- if it works then it works, right? If you're looking to give your girlfriend a good time, which in this case is mutually beneficial if you can build a strong enough bridge to weather the flooding river of tears and crumpled tissues that will undoubtedly pile up throughout the duration of the film, then hurry up and feign some interest and get ready for some hot-after-movie-sexiness.
1) The Notebook
Make sure she's worth it before
sitting through this one.
You already knew this was going to be on the list. There is nothing more romantic than a southern couple who break up, just to get back together and hang out in a nursing home where they can't remember each other due to being...well... old. It's like 50 First Dates meets The Green Mile, except this is just totally unbearable for us dudes.
When the movie ends, look deep into your girlfriend's eyes and say, "I'll always remember you, no matter what.” Then kiss her. You're totally in. If you want an added effect have your friend stand by to throw a bucket of water over you.
2) Cold Mountain
Also a movie about a couple in South Carolina, this one is a little more bearable than "The Notebook." It's got a bit of blood and guts because of the whole Civil War aspect, nobody talks too much and Jack White from the White Stripes makes it slightly cooler. Your girlfriend will appreciate the mysterious unspoken lovers (Jude Law, Nicole Kidman) who travel long and far to meet up. Right after they have sex for the first time, Jude Law gets murdered and Nicole Kidman has his child -- what a rip off.
When the movie ends, stroke your girlfriend's hair and say, “I don't care where I am, or what happens to me, I will always make it back to-“ Then start playing the banjo.
3) Dirty Dancing
Nothing spells romance like
teenaged girls running off with
men twice their age.
You may not be a young Patrick Swayze running around in tight fitting black clothing with your shirt buttoned half way down, but hey, you're the next best thing. Nothing gets a woman hotter than Dirty Dancing, so you just have to make sure that you have your line right.
When the movie ends, grab her shoulders sternly and with a crazy look in your eye say, "No one puts [GIRLFRIEND'S NAME] in a corner!" If that doesn't work, start singing "I'm having the time of my life."
Yeah, we know. Wrong movie.
He was cooler in this one.
Another classic Swayze movie, Ghost isn't your typical romance flick. Usually there is some kind of torrid, forbidden love affair then the guy or girl is offed in the end, but this one gets offed in the beginning and isn't even essentially alive in the physical sense for the rest of the film. Apparently a ghost Swayze is just as hot as an alive Swayze.
At the end of the movie, shoot yourself in the head, turn into a ghost and start touching your girlfriend's boobs. She'll think it's HAWT.
5) West Side Story
For some reason that escapes us entirely, nothing is hotter to a woman than a bunch of violent, racist men dancing around like ballerinas in tights.
At the end of the movie, stand up in a fit of rage and tell her that you can no longer be with her because her group of friends has sinned against your gang and then start dancing like a gay boy. She'll totally want to make out with you.
Bonus points if you're still
awake after the third hour.
By now you should be seeing the common theme of mismatched love stories here, but this one is a doozie. Your girlfriend will love putting her arms around you as Leonardo DiCaprio drifts slowly into the sea after drawing Kate Winslet naked and having hot car sex on a boat (having sex on a boat is one thing, but having sex in a car on a boat?). Although you may not understand how watching an unsinkable boat sink for an ungodly amount of time is worth it, it will most definitely put her in the mood.
Seal the deal by drawing an ice-cold bath and drowning yourself in it.
7) Moulin Rouge
A wonderful movie comprised of regurgitated classic rock songs that you used to like listening to combined with seizure inducing cinematography. Some chick that keeps coughing up blood dies at the end while a wimpy little guy types on a typewriter, cries a lot and sings Nat King Cole songs. Quite beautiful actually.
After this movie, drink some absinthe, walk sullenly over to an Underwood typewriter and start singing Elton John songs. She'll jump your bones indefinitely.
8) Romeo & Juliet
Yet another Baz Luhrmann film in his "Red Curtain Trilogy," the 1996 version of Romeo and Juliet trades swords for guns and the stage for the beach. Using the same Shakespearean language, this movie manages to make the story of Romeo and Juliet even more angst-filled and annoying than the original.
Just as your girlfriend is dabbing her eyes with a tissue at the end, swallow a vile of poison and leave a gun behind on the counter with a note that reads, "you know what to do." She will love how romantic you are.
9) Strictly Ballroom
Jesus, enough already, Baz.
Damn you Baz Luhrmann! This is basically Dirty Dancing (with a less attractive chick) mixed with West Side Story and a side of Romeo and Juliet.
After the movie is over start speaking in an Australian accent and tell her she's a spanish gypsy whore that needs to learn how to dance. Get a little role playing action on.
10) Eyes Wide Shut
Women love it when crazy Scientologists like Tom Cruise have a whole bunch of kinky sex all over town.
After the movie is over, smoke pot, get into an argument about sex with your girlfriend and go out to sleep with a bunch of random women and stop watching chick movies. That's what Tom Cruise would do and chicks dig Tom Cruise.
There you have it 10 surefire movies to put your girlfriend in the mood! However, I would highly recommend you do not take ANY of my advice… at all. That's a bad idea.
William Mac is a delightfully eccentric pub crawler residing in America's beloved gold-capped southern jewel sitting on dubs more commonly referred to as Savannah, Georgia. When he's not picking up bikini-clad babes on the beach, William enjoys writing, watching horribly directed B Horror movies and reading sophisticated smelling old leather-bound books.
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