7/27/10

A few years ago I was so broke and strapped for money I became desperate - so desperate that I applied to a 24 / 7 porn shop called Starship Enterprises. I didn't take the application too seriously; I included my name, phone number, address and why I wanted to work there. I left the job history, references and math test to see if I knew how to count change blank. Three days later I received a call from a bitchy little 19-year-old girl telling me to come in and work the graveyard shift that night -- midnight until 8 AM. Thus began my descent into a strange and fantastic world filled with vibrators, pussy pumps, “water pipes,” butt busters and electric nipple clamps. I can still smell the KY.

During my short employment I became somewhat of an expert with lubes and vibrators simply by osmosis. Other than selling adult DVDs and "tobacco" products, my primary job was escorting women around to help them find their new favorite sex toy. You would think that more men would be buying pocket pussies than women would be vibrators, but the thing about a porn shop is that 75% of it is geared towards women. Men will buy porn, but are much too afraid to be seen buying masturbatory products. If they do buy one, they make tons of unsolicited excuses about how they're buying it for a friend or as a joke (yeah, right). Women, on the other hand, spend their sex-toy shopping time much more comfortably.

Here are a few things I learned about women from working at a 24 / 7 porn shop:

1) Middle Age Women Go Vibrator Shopping in Groups of Six

Working at Starship, my schedule was changed often. After a couple of graveyard shifts I ended up working in the afternoon. That's when I began to notice a surprising trend. Middle age women would come in during middle afternoon and there was never just one or two of them -- there were always a large group of about six. They would stroll in with serious, searching eyes as if they were about to teach a middle school geography class.

Every afternoon I worked there were at least three groups of 6 or more middle-aged women that came in specifically for the purpose of vibrator shopping. Not only that, but they would buy different kinds of vibrators and compare notes on them later like some kind of book club from fetish hell. I don't know about you, but that disgusted me. If I were their husbands I would just want to imagine they all went to the mall.

2) Chicks Like it Rough

I know some women like it rough, but I have always been under the impression that most women like a soft touch. They want their guy to go easy on them most of the time. But, when it comes to singles shopping for sex toys and vibrators the complete opposite is true.

Part of my job as an employee was to demonstrate to women how any vibrator worked (no, not that explicitly). I would have to take it out of the package, pop a few batteries in that puppy and turn it on, varying the speeds, to make sure it worked and that the potential customer could see it demonstrated.

Not all vibrators are created equal, though. Some of them are more powerful than others and women want power. Some vibrators, such as the Slimline G-Spot Orchid Vibrator (one of our best selling) had such vibrating power I could hardly keep a grip on it, but when turned on in front of a woman her face would light up. She would purchase it right away. I might as well have been selling a jack hammer. The other best seller was the Passion Wave Butterfly, a crazy variation of the famed Jack Rabbit.

3) Chicks of All Ages Buy Pocket Pussies

Say what? Believe me gents, I do not tell a lie. During my four months at Starship I only bore witness to two men buying pocket pussies and they were sweating like pigs out of nervousness. However, I witnessed upwards of 8 women buying them young and old.

I remember one instance where a very old, short Asian woman came in and bought a $300 cyberskin, life sized doll molded after a porn star. On another occasion, a beautiful young woman came into purchase a pocket pussy for her boyfriend simply because he was going on a three day trip. She was incredibly excited at the thought that he was going to be able to masturbate better while away. How sweet?

4) Chicks Would Rather Know You Want to Be Fu***d With a Strap on Before Marriage

One of the most heartbreaking things I had to endure while working at a porn shop was when a woman would come in, her head hung low, staring blankly at a wall of strap-ons. Now, of course we had plenty of lesbians and fetish couples buying strap-ons because that was their thing. But you could always tell the housewife who had been begged by her husband after many years of marriage to be screwed by a strap on.

I remember having to help many of these women out. "My husband wants me to have sex with him wearing a strap on" they said half-disgusted and half depressed. "I don't know where this came from. He just all of a sudden begged me to do it." That is when I would set out to help that poor woman find the most diabolical strap on imaginable so that her hubby would have a GREAT first time.

So guys, make sure you know whether or not you want to be screwed with a strap on before you get married or your chick may conspire with an evil, disgruntled porn shop employee about how to best rape your bunghole. No joke.

All in all my porn shop experiences taught me a lot of interesting things about the female race. It taught me that women like to be open about sex and what they want to get out of it. Men, on the other hand, are scared to walk into a porn shop and buy just about anything other than "tobacco" products.

And, amid the vibrating cock rings, sea of silicone and water-based lubricants, various flavors of edible panties and over priced sex swings with warnings like "this may break your dick....permanently," I suppose there is a certain romanticism about the underground life of a 24 / 7 porn shop that causes women's clitoris to tingle with delight.

The next time you drive past a porn shop and your girlfriend puts on that fabricated grimace, be a man and invite her in to the magical toyland that is your local neighborhood masturbatorium. After all, it's more for her than it is you and she's probably been there before.

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William Mac is a delightfully eccentric pub crawler residing in America's beloved gold-capped southern jewel sitting on dubs more commonly referred to as Savannah, Georgia. When he's not picking up bikini-clad babes on the beach, William enjoys writing, watching horribly directed B Horror movies and reading sophisticated smelling old leather-bound books.

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