8/12/10

Everyone knows at least one of those Mr. Fix-It types who can repair their own car with a wrench and a toothbrush; they can be your father-in-law, your girlfriend’s ex, or your overly braggy friend. While we were spending our free time taking naps and playing Starcraft, they were out there figuring out how to build houses and fix plumbing.  They don’t do these things to make a living, they actually seem to like doing manual labor, or at the very least making the rest of us look like sad, pasty douches completely unworthy of our girlfriends and wives.

Well, fret no more, we here at rockhardblog.com have compiled a quick and handy list of skills that require almost no coordination or dexterity but still look damn manly, all based around a simple question: ‘If some dumbass caveman or goat farmer could do this 20000 years ago, why the hell can’t I?’

1. Making fires 

Manly since: 500,000 BCE
If Smokey the Bear and that Fire Marshal that always came around to grade schools taught us anything, it’s that we’re sad slobs that are always milliseconds away from igniting our houses and apartments and just about everything in it. Keep this in mind as you try to light a fire in your fireplace or at a campsite.

We won’t get too much into specifics, but just keep the following in mind:

• If you’re indoors, make sure the damper is open. Nothing ruins romance like carbon monoxide poisoning and smoke inhalation.
• Start with a duraflame or a javalog. If you’re feeling daring, start with thin flammable objects. Once those are burning, add larger flammable objects.
• Blow on the damn thing to keep it going.

Hurray! Were you alive during the last Ice Age, you would be revered as a shaman and would have had virgins sacrificed in your honor.

Warning for the incompetent: Don’t use gasoline, or you’ll give yourself and most of the people in a 50-foot radius an owie.

2. Knife Sharpening

Manly since: 9000 BCE
There’s something nice and primal about a guy who’s able to keep his cooking knives sharp, and it’s fortunately nice and easy to be able to do: all you need is a knife, a sharpening stone, and some oil. It makes you look like a macho tool-user who knows his way around the kitchen and takes care of his stuff… if cavemen were able to sharpen rocks way back in the Flintstones era, you should be able to figure this one out with a couple of practice rounds and some instructional Youtube videos.

Warning for the socially awkward: Don’t get too into keeping your knives sharp, especially if they’re not cooking knives. Too much interest in sharp objects crosses the line from being a guy who knows how to maintain his tools to a Dexter/Patrick Bateman type with a sharp object fetish.

3. Grilling

Manly since: See Fire
There’s a really big difference between barbecuing and grilling. One’s the painstaking process of slow-cooking large and exotic cuts of meat with a carefully selected assortment of spices and sauces, and the other is the act of applying fire to meat and vegetables. The beautiful thing is that to the untrained eye, they both look almost exactly the same if you play it right: just stand over a grill with a combination of confidence and steely-eyed intensity.  If anyone comes along and questions whether or not something is burning or about to burn, keep your eyes on the grill and just say ‘not yet,’ wait about three seconds and THEN flip the food or take it off the heat. It’ll make it look like you’ve got a really complex system and aren’t simply staring at a fire and thinking about boobs.

Warning for the easily distracted: Don’t wander away from the grill, or some other guy looking to prove his manhood will take over. Guys get really competitive about grilling.

4. Dog Training

Manly since: 30,000-14,000 BCE
Sure, you’re underemployed, your home’s a mess, and your life’s a general shambles. As long as you have a dog that seems to obey 75% of what you demand of it, women are able to overlook a lot of stuff and see you as a guy who’s in control of his own destiny. You’re technically in control of the dog’s destiny, but as long as you keep tossing the dog milk bones, he’s happy to maintain the illusion.

There’s about a million books on the subject, so we won’t get too much into depth, aside from the following tip: every time you teach your dog a verbal trick, make sure you accompany it with a hand gesture. That way, instead of having to scream commands at your dog to get it to stop humping your lady’s leg, you can give off an all-powerful Darth Vader-ish sort of impression of your mastery of him with a simple gesture.

Warning for the overly theatrical: Keep the hand gestures nice and simple. You kind of ruin the effect if you look like you’re doing Tai Chi to make a dog sit.

5. Beer Making

Manly since: 3000 BCE*

*As we’ve covered elsewhere, some of the oldest records of beer-making refer to it primarily being handled by the ladies.

This one’s probably the most intimidating, but bear in mind that people have been making our favorite beverage for thousands and thousands of years:  if people who hadn’t been able to figure out the wheel could do it, you can probably get it together enough to be able to combine yeast, malt, hops and water in a bucket. This is especially the case considering the fact that you can buy beer-making kits which come with just about everything you need to make a few gallons of it at a time.

The main bonus of making beer is that it’s usually done in a garage or workshop, which actually gives you an opportunity to say ‘I spent a couple of hours in the garage on Sunday,’ without having everyone assume you were crying in private or trying to do yourself in. And you get beer.
Making beer itself is easy, making good beer provides more of a challenge. That’s why it’s a good idea to never share any of it. Insist on having the first taste, and make it in small enough batches that you never seem to have enough on hand to give any of your friends or loved ones  bottle. You’re a man who makes his own beer, dammit, and that means you don’t have to listen to anyone telling you to share it or that it’s unhealthy to drink it all in one sitting.

© 2011 RockHard Labs